it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
