i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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