did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
