C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
