Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Randomize