If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
