I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
