From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
