Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
