One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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