Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
