I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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