This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
