I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
So much Jack, so little girl.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
