wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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