Even the bartender felt bad for me
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize