i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
A+ Viking dick
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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