I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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