Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I need a beard to bite.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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