I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
pray to the hookup gods
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
