Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I'm always down for nudity.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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