Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
