Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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