so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
