Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
