I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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