cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
from now on my penis is your penis
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize