Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
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