i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
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