I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
We need to get me chipped asap
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
