I faked an abortion last night.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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