i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
