watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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