Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Randomize
