Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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