we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Randomize
