He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize
