i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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