I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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