So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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