I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
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