I molested 6 butterflies tonight
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize