I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
