Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
