The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize