I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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