I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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