Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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