would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize