Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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