the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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