I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Of course I have a pirate flag
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
