Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
