i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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