Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
