She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
