Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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