shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I just gift wrapped bread.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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