Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
