If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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