Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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