Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize