Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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