Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
