Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
