if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
