we're chasing vodka with high fives
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
did you just send me my own nude
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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