Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize