Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
