It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
