Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
